The Empire Man and The Killer Easter Bunnies
by starzliteupdaskies
Summary: The Empire man murdered the Dell pc guy and Detective Oxi-Clean Guy is on the case.
1. The Dell PC Guy

"800-588-2300 EMPIRE!" exclaimed the lady on the Empire commercial. "Ah, that dude is a joke," mumbled the Dell pc guy. "What I really want is LUNA carpet. Man, that girl is hot!"  
  
All of a sudden, the phone rang. The Dell pc guy walked over and picked up the phone. "Hello?" he asked. "I'll be there tomorrow, or your money back!" said the mysterious, yet enthusiastic sounding voice.  
  
"Who is this?" asked the Dell pc guy. But before he could get an answer, the mysterious voice on the other line disconnected. "Hmph, must be a prank call," he reasoned. "I'm having my big party tomorrow night, so it could be one of those R.S.V.P things, but that dude doesn't sound like someone I invited."  
  
So, the Dell pc guy walked downstairs to feed his Old Navy dog, and when he got back upstairs, the living room T.V. was showing the LUNA commercial. The Dell pc guy sat down to watch the LUNA commercial. "Man, I gotta write down that number so I can get carpet from her! She's so hot!" he exclaimed.  
  
All of a sudden, right before the telephone number showed, the Empire man came on the screen. "Oh, come on. I can't believe this!" he shouted. The Dell pc guy tried to change the channel, but the empire man was on EVERY CHANNEL. "They can't do this to me! I HATE the Empire man!" screamed the Dell pc guy.  
  
So, being there nothing else on T.V. to watch because the Empire man commercial just played over and over again, he went to bed and had a good night's sleep and forgot all about the Empire man, until he woke up.  
  
The first thing he heard his dog, barking vigorously at something downstairs, so he went to go check it out. "Hey! Hey! Old Navy dog! Are you ok?" he asked, but the dog continued barking.  
  
Then, the Dell pc guy looked up and saw it. It was one of those cardboard signs of the Empire man, smiling at him, like he was his best friend. Something was wrong, for, the Empire man had a knife taped onto his hand! "What does this mean?" wondered the Dell pc guy.  
  
Then, the Dell pc guy heard a noise. He looked behind himself and saw him. It was the Empire man. "Who are you? And how did you get in my house?" the Dell pc guy screamed. But, the Empire man said nothing, just moved closer, with his knife in hand, to the Dell pc guy. "Come on man, I'm too young to die! I still gotta get my carpet from that hot LUNA chick!" he begged.  
  
And with a sharp stab of his knife, he stabbed the Dell pc guy's dog, the Old Navy dog. "Noooooooooooo!" screamed the Dell pc guy. "He was my best friend! You knew I had no life and you just went and stabbed my most beloved blessing in the whole world!" *director's cut*(Ya know, I never would've thought that the cool dude, the Dell pc guy would ever say that kind of thing. I mean, I never thought I would hear the words "my most beloved blessing" from THAT guy. I thought he was a tough guy, not a sissy)  
  
Then, the Empire man turned back to the Dell pc guy, and swiftly, but fiercely thrust his already bloody knife into the Dell pc guy. The Empire man held him there for a second, just to spit in his dead face. Then, he swiftly pulled his knife out of the body, and the Dell pc guy collapsed, dead onto the floor. 


	2. Detective OxiClean Guy and Peter Francis...

The next day, Detective Oxi-Clean Guy was straight on the case.  
  
I hopped in my Porsche 911 and drove away. I needed to search for suspects. My first suspicion was Peter Francis Geraci. Man, that guy could keep quiet. This one is gonna be tough to crack. So, I drove over to his house. It was a pretty nice house, too. I'd bet he had a whole stash of Oxi- Clean for any time he spilled his fancy wines.  
  
I drove up his driveway and locked my car. Hey, with my car in his driveway, he looks even richer. I walked up to his house and rang the doorbell. (And I'm tellin' ya, he has the dullest sounding doorbell I've ever heard.)  
  
He opened his front door and said, "Hello, my name is Peter Francis Geraci, if you have gotten in a car accident or are in need of help, you've come to the right place" I told him my name was Detective Oxi-Clean Guy, and that I came to ask some questions.  
  
"Where were you yesterday at 10:00 PM?" I asked him. "Umm, let's see, at ten I was listening to my info tapes before I went to bed," he said. I was getting a little suspicious by the way he was hesitating, but I needed to ask more questions.  
  
"Do you even know what happened yesterday?" I asked. "Of course. Ben Affleck called me and said he needed MY help because Jennifer Lopez trashed his car." he exclaimed, not excitedly. "No, there was a murder yesterday. Ever heard of the Dell pc guy?"  
  
"No. I have never heard of him," he stated. "Well, I guess I'd better get going then. Thanks for the chapter 7 and 13 info tapes," I said, confused. "No problem." He led me to the door, and as I walked out, he said, "If you want, we could listen to my chapter 7 and 13 info tapes toge- ," and with that, I slammed the door and was on my way.  
  
Before I went to my car, I walked over and found a garbage can to dump those stupid info tapes. I don't know what I would use them for,  
  
*director's cut*(Does anyone even call that guy anyway? I mean, I know Ben Affleck called him, but that was probably the first call he had in years. What a loser. And you'd think he'd wanna spice up his commercials a little more. Ya know, be a little more enthusiastic, but he is, like, the most boring guy I've ever seen.)  
  
I hopped in my car, and drove back to the station. I needed to get some clues. So I went to the crime scene. I drove to the address listed on my napkin and got out of my car. I made sure I locked it, because this was a bad neighborhood. I could tell by the way it smelled.  
  
I walked inside and closed the door. Nothing seemed wrong upstairs, but if you walk down the basement, you can see where the Dell pc guy got stabbed. There was blood everywhere! I couldn't use my bottle of Oxi-Clean though, because it would be a waste. It was just a basement floor.  
  
All of a sudden, out of nowhere, a big guy dressed in a bunny costume flew down at me! He tried to stab me with his knife, but I dodged it, and grabbed for my bottle of Oxi-Clean.  
  
I dodged another hit, and sprayed it in his eyes. He immediately covered his eyes and fell to the floor. He looked up at me and his eyes were blood red. I took this time to run up the stairs and outside to my Porsche 911. 


	3. The Fitness Made Simple Man

I got in my car and drove away as fast as I could. I didn't wanna take any chances with that giant bunny. As I drove away I could see through my rear view mirror that the big oaf was standing outside and shaking his fist at me. Then he hopped away and kind of disappeared.  
  
Could this bunny man be connected to the murder? Well, all I know for now is that I have more suspects to question. Next on my list was the Fitness Made Simple Guy. So, I headed off to yet another address listed on my McDonalds napkin.  
  
Now, this guy lived pretty far away from where I just left, and I'm glad of that because it means I'm further away from that weird bunny man. I pulled up to his house, and, I'll have to admit, it was a pretty nice house, and in a good smelling neighborhood, too.  
  
*director's cut*(Man, what is it with this guy and smelling people's neighborhoods? I mean, is that what he does for a living or something? Smell neighborhoods? Well, I guess he might need to determine if it's a bad neighborhood to do his detective work or something. I just think it's a little strange.)  
  
I walked up to his house and rang the doorbell. The Fitness Made Simple Guy opened his front door. Man, this guy was buff. He had HUGE muscles. I'd bet you could sit on him while he was doing pushups, and he would never know you were ever there. This guy had muscles all the way to chickety China, the Chinese chicken.  
  
"Hey! Detective Oxi-Clean guy! Nice to see ya! Wow, I haven't seen you at the gym in years!" he exclaimed. I made up some excuse and said, "Oh, yeah. Well, I got this new gym built onto my house. Yep, it's a real miracle!" I tried to sound a little enthusiastic about it, and I don't know if he bought it at first.  
  
"Oh, well that's good! Good for you! Oh, where are my manners? Come on in! Sit down! Would you like a protein shake?" he asked. "Oh, no, nothing for me. I just came to ask some questions," I stated. "Well, what kind of questions? Is there something wrong?" he asked, sounding a bit suspicious.  
  
"Oh, nothing you should need to worry about. I just need to ask you some simple questions. Where were you last night at 10:00?" I blurted out. "Oh, well. I don't stay up past ten, Detective! You should know that!" he exclaimed.  
  
*Director's Cut*(How would Detective Oxi-Clean Guy know when the Fitness Made Simple Guy goes to bed? Did they have something going on together?*Shudders*Scratch that thought. Never mind.)  
  
"Have you heard what happened yesterday?" I asked. "Didn't that Dell pc guy get murdered or something?" he asked, unsure. "Yes, yesterday at 10:00 PM, the Dell pc guy was murdered. Now it is my case. I need to find out who murdered the Dell pc guy. Do you know anything about it?" I asked.  
"Come to think of it, I thought I heard something was going on with that LUNA carpet lady, you might wanna go check at her house. Here, I'll write down the address." He said. So, with that, I said thanks, ran out to my car, and got in. I stuck the sticky note that the Fitness Made Simple Guy gave me on my dashboard, and pulled out of his driveway.  
  
I was getting hungry, and it was about lunch time, so I decided to have some Chinese food. It would take me about a half and hour to get there, so I put on some of my favorite CD's, and headed down the long road that awaited my arrival. 


	4. Jellytubbies

As I drove on my way to China Town, I noticed something strange. The sun started looking very peculiar. It appeared to have a face. Yes, I'm sure it was a face. As I drove further down the rode, it was looking more and more like the face of a baby. Yes, the sun was a baby's face. A laughing baby's face. I thought of this very strange because I've never seen a baby's face in the sun before. The baby smiled at me and I was disgusted.  
  
The clouds in the sky started to break up, and the sky was as clear as a piece of carpet cleaned up with Oxi-Clean after being crapped on by a dog. Ahhhh....beautiful. The grass looked greener over here, and there were more and more daisies everywhere. Then, all of a sudden, I saw a little green man.  
  
"Could this be a martian?" I thought to myself. The little guy walked out into the road and I immediately slammed on the brakes. I got a closer look of him, and I could clearly see a jelly stain on the side of his face. This was an emergency! He needed to be cleaned up. I could tell he wanted it, too.  
  
*Directors Cut*(How in the world does this guy know what the little martian wants, or needs? Maybe the little guy wants a Bagel Bite? Does this guy know that? Well, I suppose if he does know everything any little tyke wants, he would make a very good father, except the fact that he's a cleanoholic...poor clean kids with their bright colors and blinding whites...)  
  
I grabbed my Oxi-Clean and rushed out of my Porsche 911. "Hey little guy, you need to be cleaned up?" I asked. "Dipsy!" exclaimed the martian and ran away. I stood in the middle of the road, dumb-struck. All of a sudden, three little martians came out, including the green one. They were red, yellow, and, of course, green. These little fellas had jelly stains all over their bodies. It was like Flash Flood, but jelly style.  
  
I was so freaked out, when I tried spraying them with my Oxi-Clean, I stupidly dropped it and it spilled all over the road. Now who was gonna clean them off? Not me, obviously. I looked at the road. It was now a bright black, while the rest of the road was gray. There's power for ya.  
  
The martians were coming towards me with dopey smiles when another one of them came out of nowhere. "How many of theses things are there?" I thought. This one was purple, and fast. He started taking off for me and slipped on the Oxi-Clean, kicked the bottle up, and into the yellow one's face. I blurted out a laugh, for it reminded me of the Three Stooges, only...there were two...The purple martian had fallen on his face and was now thrusting his body up and down on the ground. Was this some type of martian ritual?  
  
*Director's Cut*(Idiot...)  
  
The green and red martians then started coming for me. They were about a foot away from me when they stopped. Each of these martians had a silver screen on their stomachs, much like a TV. The green martian's little TV turned on and started showing the Empire commercial. Then the green martian said "Again!" and I watched it again. The green martian showed it once again and another time after that.  
  
I looked at the yellow martian on his back. His arms and legs were flailing up in the air and green goop was coming from his mouth. The purple martian was still doing his little ritual on the ground. I stared to back away from the martians, getting kind of creeped out. I ran to my car and drove off, hoping to never see them again...  
  
*Director's Cut*(Of course he never wants to see them again! They're TELETUBIES! *shudders* NO! NOT AGAIN! YOU ALREADY PLAYED IT LIKE 5 TIMES!) 


	5. Bunnymen in China Town

I continued down the road in my Porsche 911 untill I came to China Town. Although China Town is beautiful, especially at night, Chinese people can be very stinky. Right when I got to China Town, it smelt like rotten eggs.  
  
*note* The above comment is not meant to be racist or single out Chinese people. Remember, all people can be stinky, not just Chinese people...  
  
As I drove to my favorite resturaunt, Fook Yu Man, I saw many people selling fruits and other assorted goods. They looked delicious, but I had to save my appetite for the Fook Yu Man Poo Poo Platter. I could not resist it's scrumptious brown sauce. I could taste it in my mouth now.  
  
While driving slowly past the gastly smell of the Chinese fruit-sellers, I spotted something strange. A cluster of pink, human-sized bunnies were all moving about at the end of the alley. This struck me curious, so I hopped out of my Porsche 911 to see what all the fuss was about. I grabbed my Oxi- Clean spray bottle just in case...  
  
Just to feel like a super agent, I climbed up the boxes leading up to the fire escape ladder on the side of the apartment on the side of the apartment and hung off the ladder by my legs. I was inches away from one of the bunnies on the outside of the circle.  
  
The Chinese smell was starting to get to me. I could feel the stench crawling up my nose. A sneeze blasted out of my mouth and, unfortunately, about ¼ cup of snot landed on the bunny's head.  
  
*Director's Cut* (What is UP with this guy? I mean first, he's goin around, smellin people's neighborhoods, and now he's measuring his snot? Does he do this on a regular basis so that he knows how much snot comes out when he sneezes on someone?)  
  
I panicked. I started spraying my Oxi-Clean on the snot just as the bunny- man turned around. I sprayed it in his eyes. His hands immediately shot up to his eyes as he let out a manly scream. I could tell he would be blind for the rest of his life. A few seconds after the bunny-man screamed, a bunch of other bunny-men turned around.  
  
That is when I got a clear view of what was going on inside the circle. There, beyond all the bunny-men, was a man dressed in a butterfly costume. The wings were all torn up and his glasses were completely shattered. "Poor guy...", I thought.  
  
I then felt a sharp pain in my gut. It was a big pink bunny-man paw. Theses punches continued all over my body until I heard a faint, but high whistle. Similar to a dog whistle. The bunny-men immediately left, and I was left hanging there with a small trickle of blood flowing out of my mouth.  
  
I quickly jumped down from my perch on the fire escape and attended to the butterfly-man. "Are you ok?" I asked. "Yeah, I'm fine.", he said. "What happened?" I asked. "Those bunnies got on my case. All I wanted to do was protect the cute little Chinese kids from all the porn pictures posted up everywhere, and I get beat up! Life is so unfair...", he said, sounding depressed.  
  
I got out my notebook and pencil. "Was there anything you blocked out that might have offended these bunny-men? I asked. "Well, I did block out this Empire man poster. He was rubbing some carpet, and it was very inappropriate.", he said, matter-of-factly. "Hmm, interesting.", I thought out loud. "But what would the Empire Man have to do with bunnies?" "Don't ask me, I'm just trying to do my job, to protect kids from sex posters in China Town.", he said, and shrugged  
  
*Director's Cut* (WE LOVE YOU MSN BUTTERFLY!)  
  
"Well, hey, I'm gonna go get some Poo Poo Platter at Fook Yu Man, would you like to join me?" I asked politely. "Thanks, but no thanks, I've got kids to protect and bunny-men to stay away from. I've seen some of them over there at Fook Yu Man.", he said, sounding paranoid. "Alright, suit yourself"  
  
I jumped in my Porsche 911 and took off. I wonder if there would be any bunny-men at Fook Yu Man. I sped up down the tiny streets. I was mighty hungry after all this detective work. I parked my car on the already crowded street and walked in.  
  
Delicious smells filled my nose as I strolled into Fook Yu Man. I drooled as I thought of the steamy Poo Poo Platter slithering it's way down my throat. I walked up to the counter and said a friendly hello. The man at the counter gave me a dirty look. Hmm...that's odd, usually the man at the counter gives me a smile even though I estimate that he is not glad to see me at all. 


End file.
